..Not that this counts because no one I know reads "This is hand to hand combat not a bloody tea dance!".
Funny how that title, that quote from a movie (oh PLEASE I hope to see that musical when NY comes around) can relate to my life right now.
High school to me, just feels like hand to hand combat. Never has it been a bloody tea dance.
We all know I'm not talking academics. In fact, be it Chemistry, Literature, Mathematics, History, or spending two hours in a darkroom praying that light will be on your side this time, courses have been the easiest part always.
The hard part?
Hallways.
Classrooms.
Lunchtime.
Parties.
I don't think I have ever felt comfortable, at ease, or happy in any of these places. No matter what school I go to, I am always the puzzle peice that doesn't quite look right. You try to stick it in a hundred different places and it never fits. Finally you realize that the puzzle is complete and that peice must have been from a different puzzle altogether.. you throw it out and get rid of it.
All summer, I revved up for Tuesday, September 8th, 2009. My year, my time. However, you begin to realize that no matter how much you scream, invisibility does not go away. At some point, you have to realize that if people don't care for the first 12 years of torture, they will easily go on not caring for one more.
Right now, there are 6,942,200,217 people on this earth.
33, 776,313 in Canada.
330, 088 in Victoria.
About 1000 in Victoria High School.
If those numbers changed, if there were 6, 942, 200, 216 people on this earth.. would it matter?
No, because 3 more will pop up in the span of a second.
Friday, September 11, 2009
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Ouch.
Are We Different?- Priscilla Ahn
I sometimes for get how scary Oak Bay was for me. I forget what it was like to go to my first class every morning, only waiting to go back home and sleep and pretend school didn't exist. How I ate lunch alone, every single day without fail, unless I was in choir. How I first experienced depression, and had no one to tell something as simple as "Today wasn't the greatest day". How instead of anyone being the least bit supportive, I got ridiculed and ignored, more so on bad days. If it was lip curls or fake smiles I came across, it was nothing. In retrospect, I'm glad it happened, because it helped me grow, but I wish that I had just one good friend who I could count on, and who understood what I was going through. I'm over it now, but over these past few nights I've been having crazy nightmares about my worst fears from that experience. I know it's totally wuss, and that it's a cuddly puppy compared to most high school experiences, however that only makes me more confused as to why it affected me so hugely. However, there were bright sides to it. 2 years later. I learned how to keep afloat without friends, and not depend on people all the time. I learned how to read people so much better, and know who my true friends were (except the latter didn't happen until extremely recently). I learned to appreciate what I have now, with teachers who know my name and are aware of my existence, people waving and smiling at me all the time, and being able to feel like, even though I don't have anyone like my best friend anymore, I still have people who will listen. I'm ok with my life now, and it took a really long time, but I think without the painful awkward experience, I wouldn't have reached that point.
I sometimes for get how scary Oak Bay was for me. I forget what it was like to go to my first class every morning, only waiting to go back home and sleep and pretend school didn't exist. How I ate lunch alone, every single day without fail, unless I was in choir. How I first experienced depression, and had no one to tell something as simple as "Today wasn't the greatest day". How instead of anyone being the least bit supportive, I got ridiculed and ignored, more so on bad days. If it was lip curls or fake smiles I came across, it was nothing. In retrospect, I'm glad it happened, because it helped me grow, but I wish that I had just one good friend who I could count on, and who understood what I was going through. I'm over it now, but over these past few nights I've been having crazy nightmares about my worst fears from that experience. I know it's totally wuss, and that it's a cuddly puppy compared to most high school experiences, however that only makes me more confused as to why it affected me so hugely. However, there were bright sides to it. 2 years later. I learned how to keep afloat without friends, and not depend on people all the time. I learned how to read people so much better, and know who my true friends were (except the latter didn't happen until extremely recently). I learned to appreciate what I have now, with teachers who know my name and are aware of my existence, people waving and smiling at me all the time, and being able to feel like, even though I don't have anyone like my best friend anymore, I still have people who will listen. I'm ok with my life now, and it took a really long time, but I think without the painful awkward experience, I wouldn't have reached that point.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Do to List for the Summmmmerrr
I am so bored. I need motivation >_>
1. Organize Cops for Cancer
2. Go to the gym
3. Get another job
4. Learn to play "Morning Lullabies" on the piano
5. Write a song
6. Stop avoiding social engagements
7. Go camping, tubing, and waterskiing
8. Watch less TV, and by TV, I mean Family Channel
9. Get black nail polish
10. Pay for New York....
1. Organize Cops for Cancer
2. Go to the gym
3. Get another job
4. Learn to play "Morning Lullabies" on the piano
5. Write a song
6. Stop avoiding social engagements
7. Go camping, tubing, and waterskiing
8. Watch less TV, and by TV, I mean Family Channel
9. Get black nail polish
10. Pay for New York....
Thursday, June 25, 2009
RIP MJ?
Listening: Eet by Regina Spektor
Yes. We are all saddened by the death of Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett. But honestly?? It's all I've heard about all day. The fact that people are "schocked and saddened", well.. it shocks and saddens me a little. Someone dies every second.. lots of those people are kids dying from terrible sanitary conditions, or hunger, or war. Why don't we focus on those deaths? How come that isn't something we post on our Facebooks and Twitters and Blogs at every oppurtunity? Because it happens so often? Because they're so distant it doesn't matter to us? Or because they never had a chance in the first place? Maybe because they can't sing Thriller, or they're not a Charlie's Angel. AUGH I'm so fed up with people's obsessions with celebrities' lives. Even flipping through channels the other day with my friend, Jon from the reality show "Jon and Kate Plus 8" was saying something along the lines of "We have men from our country dying overseas all the time, and all people care about is what I'm eating for lunch??". Even someone the centre of the tabloid's attention doesn't understand it. Just imagine... if people took the money they spent on gossip magazine's alone.. that's 3 or 4 bucks a week.. and put it towards anything, AIDS, homelessness, the SPCA, War Child... can you imagine what an impact that would make? If 100,000 people buy something like US Weekly, that's around $350,000n a week. Can you imagine? If everyone replaced reading Perez Hilton with reading up on women's rights under Taliban, or child soldiers in Africa, so much more would be accomplished, and we would be so much more knowledgable about the world around us. I feel as if this generation was raised to praise everything above us and ignore everything below us. Then again, how does that differ from the norms of the past 100 years?
Yes. We are all saddened by the death of Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett. But honestly?? It's all I've heard about all day. The fact that people are "schocked and saddened", well.. it shocks and saddens me a little. Someone dies every second.. lots of those people are kids dying from terrible sanitary conditions, or hunger, or war. Why don't we focus on those deaths? How come that isn't something we post on our Facebooks and Twitters and Blogs at every oppurtunity? Because it happens so often? Because they're so distant it doesn't matter to us? Or because they never had a chance in the first place? Maybe because they can't sing Thriller, or they're not a Charlie's Angel. AUGH I'm so fed up with people's obsessions with celebrities' lives. Even flipping through channels the other day with my friend, Jon from the reality show "Jon and Kate Plus 8" was saying something along the lines of "We have men from our country dying overseas all the time, and all people care about is what I'm eating for lunch??". Even someone the centre of the tabloid's attention doesn't understand it. Just imagine... if people took the money they spent on gossip magazine's alone.. that's 3 or 4 bucks a week.. and put it towards anything, AIDS, homelessness, the SPCA, War Child... can you imagine what an impact that would make? If 100,000 people buy something like US Weekly, that's around $350,000n a week. Can you imagine? If everyone replaced reading Perez Hilton with reading up on women's rights under Taliban, or child soldiers in Africa, so much more would be accomplished, and we would be so much more knowledgable about the world around us. I feel as if this generation was raised to praise everything above us and ignore everything below us. Then again, how does that differ from the norms of the past 100 years?
Monday, June 22, 2009
No One's Laughing at God When They're Saying Goodbye
Laughing With- Regina Spektor
Yeah, so, if you've associated with me over the past 3 or so months.. well.. you would probably guess that relegion's the last thing on my mind. I've committed many, many sins (except not those involving hurting people [not intentionally, anyway]).. and recently it's all I can think about. I guess I've lost a lot of faith lately, more in myself, as a good person, then in anything else. And with most of my friends (big "manly" dudes and/or drama boys? ha.), it's not likely they have the attention span for that conversation. Hm. Where's my journal at?
Yeah, so, if you've associated with me over the past 3 or so months.. well.. you would probably guess that relegion's the last thing on my mind. I've committed many, many sins (except not those involving hurting people [not intentionally, anyway]).. and recently it's all I can think about. I guess I've lost a lot of faith lately, more in myself, as a good person, then in anything else. And with most of my friends (big "manly" dudes and/or drama boys? ha.), it's not likely they have the attention span for that conversation. Hm. Where's my journal at?
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Saturday, June 6, 2009
WHOOP
Sara McGuigan and Alex Arslanyan...
ARE GOING TO SAVE THE WORLD!!
AKA the Gorge. We has a plan to clean it.
ARE GOING TO SAVE THE WORLD!!
AKA the Gorge. We has a plan to clean it.
I Don't See What Anyone Can See, In Anyone Else...
Song: All Cleaned Out by Elliot Smith
Have you ever read Macbeth?
This is something I always think about. Everyone seems to think that their life is more significant and special than those of everyone else on the planet. But really.. let's say you live 70 years.. the planet's been around for 4.5 billion years, that means your life takes up approximately .00000000015% of Earth's time. It's a speck of dust in your the planet's house. When it comes to the universe itself.. timewise and sizewise, you are a microscopic organism in New York City. Now what about that is unique, amazing, separate? Why even bother? I don't know if you've ever looked through a microscope, but when there appears to be nothing on the surface, there's actually an amazing amount of biodiversity, and different levels of bacteria, protists.. everything's different. And one itty bitty one does nothing on its own.. but all of them together can cause a disease, disintegrate huge things.. I dunno, just thinking about how tiny we are is absolutely mind-blowing to me.
Have you ever read Macbeth?
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more. It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.
This is something I always think about. Everyone seems to think that their life is more significant and special than those of everyone else on the planet. But really.. let's say you live 70 years.. the planet's been around for 4.5 billion years, that means your life takes up approximately .00000000015% of Earth's time. It's a speck of dust in your the planet's house. When it comes to the universe itself.. timewise and sizewise, you are a microscopic organism in New York City. Now what about that is unique, amazing, separate? Why even bother? I don't know if you've ever looked through a microscope, but when there appears to be nothing on the surface, there's actually an amazing amount of biodiversity, and different levels of bacteria, protists.. everything's different. And one itty bitty one does nothing on its own.. but all of them together can cause a disease, disintegrate huge things.. I dunno, just thinking about how tiny we are is absolutely mind-blowing to me.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Hang the dj, hang the dj, hang the dj.
Music: Poster of a Girl by Metric
The Unbearable Lightness of Being
by Milan Kundera
Excellent book, I would definitely recommend it. Not that I've finished it or anything, but so far so rad.
Basically, what I've read up to this point talks about lightness and weight, and how people either go through life heavily, gravitating toward hardship and locked in by their own rules, or they float through life, making it up as they go and not being tied down by right or wrong, merely living for the sake of pleasure. So you'd think that the latter would end up happier, right? It seems like a more tantalizing, tempting, easier way to live.. but oddly enough, rumour has it that all the characters (four in total, two being characterized by lightness, the others by weight), except for one die. And the remaining one, who is "light", isn't even that happy. Now you can either draw two conclusions from this summary (once again, haven't finished reading:
1. Life sucks no matter how you live it, may as well give up now.
2. Live with moderation. But that's hard! You can't really be light and heavy at the same time, can you? Kundera states at the very beginning that the two are polar opposites.. so can they mix?
I am pondering.
The Unbearable Lightness of Being
by Milan Kundera
Excellent book, I would definitely recommend it. Not that I've finished it or anything, but so far so rad.
Basically, what I've read up to this point talks about lightness and weight, and how people either go through life heavily, gravitating toward hardship and locked in by their own rules, or they float through life, making it up as they go and not being tied down by right or wrong, merely living for the sake of pleasure. So you'd think that the latter would end up happier, right? It seems like a more tantalizing, tempting, easier way to live.. but oddly enough, rumour has it that all the characters (four in total, two being characterized by lightness, the others by weight), except for one die. And the remaining one, who is "light", isn't even that happy. Now you can either draw two conclusions from this summary (once again, haven't finished reading:
1. Life sucks no matter how you live it, may as well give up now.
2. Live with moderation. But that's hard! You can't really be light and heavy at the same time, can you? Kundera states at the very beginning that the two are polar opposites.. so can they mix?
I am pondering.
Hello there, the angel from my nightmare.
Song: Anyone Else But You- Michael Cera and Ellen Page
Well hello there, devoted audience. It's been a while, hasn't it? I bet you missed me. I also bet I'm currently talking to nothing but space. Cyber space, to be exact. Does anyone even call it that anymore? I have a couple things on my mind, the first being my previous post:
Success?
1. Had RENT rehearsals a lot for a while. It's over now, and I'm back to doing nothing.
2. After tipping the scales in the opposite direction, I have encountered blissful moderation.
3. I had the flu during music festival registration. The ONE time I get the flu..
4. I burned two bridges, one because it was unhealthy for me, and another because the damage was unrepairable.
5. I've attempted to do something for at least one person everyday, something that matters. So far, it's working out ok.
New concept? New blogpost. Ciao.
Well hello there, devoted audience. It's been a while, hasn't it? I bet you missed me. I also bet I'm currently talking to nothing but space. Cyber space, to be exact. Does anyone even call it that anymore? I have a couple things on my mind, the first being my previous post:
2009!
1. Maybe I'll figure out what to do with myself afterschool.
2. I'll kill my newly found anti social personality
3. I'll kill it in the music festival scene XD
4. I'll build bridges instead of burning them. And blowing away the ashes. And getting rid of all remains.
5. I'll do something worthwhile. Building houses in Mexico anyone? =D
Success?
1. Had RENT rehearsals a lot for a while. It's over now, and I'm back to doing nothing.
2. After tipping the scales in the opposite direction, I have encountered blissful moderation.
3. I had the flu during music festival registration. The ONE time I get the flu..
4. I burned two bridges, one because it was unhealthy for me, and another because the damage was unrepairable.
5. I've attempted to do something for at least one person everyday, something that matters. So far, it's working out ok.
New concept? New blogpost. Ciao.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Goodbye 2008, Hellooooo Gorgeous.
2008...
-I met someone who meant everything to me and then they sort of.. left.
-I established my relationship with the most confusing person I knew. (more or less)
-Had a mental breakdown or two. No big.
-Started something that changed my life, made me feel like I was doing something to help at least one person, and like I'm useful.
-My view of.. everything exploded and changed and holds a completely different meaning to me now.
-My family expanded a lot. Which brought good and bad.
-I became a huge cynic to everything.
-I realized my future is kinda just one big void as far as post-secondary..
-I established so much about myself.. who I am, where I stand, what my limits are.
2009!
-Maybe I'll figure out what to do with myself afterschool.
-I'll kill my newly found anti social personality
-I'll kill it in the music festival scene XD
-I'll build bridges instead of burning them. And blowing away the ashes. And getting rid of all remains.
-I'll do something worthwhile. Building houses in Mexico anyone? =D
Good luck to everyone.
-I met someone who meant everything to me and then they sort of.. left.
-I established my relationship with the most confusing person I knew. (more or less)
-Had a mental breakdown or two. No big.
-Started something that changed my life, made me feel like I was doing something to help at least one person, and like I'm useful.
-My view of.. everything exploded and changed and holds a completely different meaning to me now.
-My family expanded a lot. Which brought good and bad.
-I became a huge cynic to everything.
-I realized my future is kinda just one big void as far as post-secondary..
-I established so much about myself.. who I am, where I stand, what my limits are.
2009!
-Maybe I'll figure out what to do with myself afterschool.
-I'll kill my newly found anti social personality
-I'll kill it in the music festival scene XD
-I'll build bridges instead of burning them. And blowing away the ashes. And getting rid of all remains.
-I'll do something worthwhile. Building houses in Mexico anyone? =D
Good luck to everyone.
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