WHAT.

Mad World- Gary Jules

I took a personality test, and my result was:
paranoid tendencies, irritable, anxious, fidgety, dependent, worrying, emotionally sensitive, prone to regret, depressed, second guesses self, somewhat fragile, dislikes change, prefers organized to unpredictable, suspicious, phobic, craves attention, not a risk taker, low self control, very sensitive to criticism, unadventurous, does not make friends easily, defensive, obsessive, low self esteem

um.. WHAT?

The Process of Scholarship Applications

On My Own- Les Miserables (I know, I know..)
September-November: Awkward essays, not really sure how to get about it, just hoping to god you get some cash
December: Fuck that, it's Christmas
January: Beautiful, heartfelt essays about challenges you've faced bringing tears to vice principals' eyes
February: Essays wrapped up with a keen hurry, trying to hand it in on that wicked day of February 15. Process involves mail-box hunting, a sport which I have began to love, when around town, you try to find and memorize the mailbox with the time most suited to you submitting your letter on time, and getting it mailed out quickly.
March-May: Go to New York, work, row, anxiously await deadlines. Occasionally find scholarships that are half-assedly entered, in reality you're waiting to get that one award with the big pay off.
End of May: "Wait, THERE'S STILL SCHOLARSHIPS??? AND THEY ALL HAVE TO BE SUBMITTED BEFORE JUNE 15TH??? AHHHHHHHH!!!!1!@" Rush and scramble to get a buttload done, completing 12 applications and essays in 2 weeks time. Run out of stamps at least once. Essays start off fresh and well-written pieces, and tumble downhill with each essay written.
June: Develop passionate loathing for talking about yourself, and writing essays. Anxiously await deadlines and keep ears perked for the mailman.
Summer: WIN!!!... I hope..

The Muppet Goodbye Song

How many times in your life are you going to encounter a group of strangers, who love and care about you and will understand you upon you walking through the door?
How many deep, personal life stories do you know, with every nitty gritty detail?
How many secrets have complete strangers shared with you?
How many opportunities will you get in life to learn to be compassionate towards other people, while changing the very core of who you are?
Have you ever sat next to a stranger in class, on a bus, at a restaurant, and wondered if you know them more than you think?
What about your friends? Neighbours?
How many people do you know, really know?
Who would have thought that sitting by a phone for four hours a week could change everything?
Who would have guessed that people you don't know, and will never know, could make the hugest impact on your life?
Thank you.

http://bestuff.com/images/images_of_stuff/210x600/happy-tears-16772.jpg

"How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard."
~Carol Sobieski

Thanks.

The Good Times Are Killing Me- Modest Mouse

I swear, I could write a page about every song I listen to, but then I'd be typing alllll day long.
Anyways. Back to the point.
I often feel crazy with no cause, which often makes me feel crazier.

Funny how it works.

It's times like this, alone in my room, studying the fascinating world of phospholipids. Right above my tiny computer screen, I have this view.



Now, fabulous sticky-note-index-card hybrid aside, I keep these up because quiet times like these get me thinking not-cool sad thoughts. (why do you think I'm busy 24/7?)
It reminds me, not necessarily that I have someone to whine to everytime I'm feeling moody, but everytime I feel like doing something crazy, reverting back to habits of yore, I'm reminded how much I'll hurt the people in these photos.
It's funny how silly photos can make you slowly back away from the edge for a little while.

*sneezecoughblownose* now to write in my blog

Modest Mouse- The View
(mine consists of my backyard)
Cabin fever does not even begin to describe my situation.
I've left my house minimally since Thursday and today is Sunday.
I've read 2.5 books, downed 1 package of cold medication (non-drowsy, what a load), studied 3 chapters of bio, and used countless tissues. Don't even get me started on the amount of TV I watched.
On the bright side I got a high score on Turmac Roll. 1035 points, no less.
Also, I haven't sneezed in one full hour, and I've only blown my nose twice since then.
Yum.

Thoughts I Wouldn't Dare Say Aloud..

..Not that this counts because no one I know reads "This is hand to hand combat not a bloody tea dance!".
Funny how that title, that quote from a movie (oh PLEASE I hope to see that musical when NY comes around) can relate to my life right now.
High school to me, just feels like hand to hand combat. Never has it been a bloody tea dance.
We all know I'm not talking academics. In fact, be it Chemistry, Literature, Mathematics, History, or spending two hours in a darkroom praying that light will be on your side this time, courses have been the easiest part always.
The hard part?
Hallways.
Classrooms.
Lunchtime.
Parties.
I don't think I have ever felt comfortable, at ease, or happy in any of these places. No matter what school I go to, I am always the puzzle peice that doesn't quite look right. You try to stick it in a hundred different places and it never fits. Finally you realize that the puzzle is complete and that peice must have been from a different puzzle altogether.. you throw it out and get rid of it.
All summer, I revved up for Tuesday, September 8th, 2009. My year, my time. However, you begin to realize that no matter how much you scream, invisibility does not go away. At some point, you have to realize that if people don't care for the first 12 years of torture, they will easily go on not caring for one more.
Right now, there are 6,942,200,217 people on this earth.
33, 776,313 in Canada.
330, 088 in Victoria.
About 1000 in Victoria High School.
If those numbers changed, if there were 6, 942, 200, 216 people on this earth.. would it matter?

No, because 3 more will pop up in the span of a second.

Ouch.

Are We Different?- Priscilla Ahn

I sometimes for get how scary Oak Bay was for me. I forget what it was like to go to my first class every morning, only waiting to go back home and sleep and pretend school didn't exist. How I ate lunch alone, every single day without fail, unless I was in choir. How I first experienced depression, and had no one to tell something as simple as "Today wasn't the greatest day". How instead of anyone being the least bit supportive, I got ridiculed and ignored, more so on bad days. If it was lip curls or fake smiles I came across, it was nothing. In retrospect, I'm glad it happened, because it helped me grow, but I wish that I had just one good friend who I could count on, and who understood what I was going through. I'm over it now, but over these past few nights I've been having crazy nightmares about my worst fears from that experience. I know it's totally wuss, and that it's a cuddly puppy compared to most high school experiences, however that only makes me more confused as to why it affected me so hugely. However, there were bright sides to it. 2 years later. I learned how to keep afloat without friends, and not depend on people all the time. I learned how to read people so much better, and know who my true friends were (except the latter didn't happen until extremely recently). I learned to appreciate what I have now, with teachers who know my name and are aware of my existence, people waving and smiling at me all the time, and being able to feel like, even though I don't have anyone like my best friend anymore, I still have people who will listen. I'm ok with my life now, and it took a really long time, but I think without the painful awkward experience, I wouldn't have reached that point.